First aid kit – homeopathic side

I’d like to eschew certain arguments altogether. This is not about dissing or justifying one approach over others. Every one of us has to figure out what works for our own individual selves. Anybody who feels they have the right or duty to argue otherwise, please read the last 3 paragraphs first. Thank you!

My homeopathic first aid kit

I used to keep just Arnica montana and Symphytum officinale around. As an old trauma nurse & athletic over-doer, dealing with sprains, bruises, and occasional bone bruises & minor fractures was the main point, and these two remedies are outstanding.

Then Zicam became over-the-counter shortly after Oscillococcinum hit the market during flu season, followed a year or two later by the blend Cold Calm, and winters got a lot less snurgee. So that was another win. It was interesting to finally care whether a virus came on fast or slow, because until then, it didn’t matter, because I was in for 10 to 14 days of aching yukiness either way. (Generally speaking, if it hits fast, it’s flu; if it comes on over a day or three, it’s a cold.)

It was good to be young! And healthier! XD

The current cabinet

Now I’ve got a lot more to deal with, including lower and fewer possibilities for meds, herbs, and food. Homeopathics are taking up more of my “treatment options” space as other things fall away and conventional therapeutics have less to do for me.

Here’s my current lineup:

Pain

Body pain: Arnica, 6c or 30c, or both starting with 30c and going down.

Bone pain*: still evolving this solution. Currently isolating effects of Symphytum o.(absolutely brilliant for previous fractures and bone aches in early CRPS) vs. Bryonia (commonly used for my type of bone pain) vs. Calcarea flourica (helped with aching bones 15 years ago, on occasions when Symphytum wasn’t helpful.)

Muscle cramps and spasms: Magnesium phosphorica, known as Mag phos by its many fans, 6c for pre-spasm tension or sudden onset, 30c for deeper or more persistent cramping.

Labeled as a remedy for menstrual cramps, I have found it to be outstanding for my skeletal muscles and intestinal muscles as well — as long as:

  • My serum magnesium is ok (I supplement with chelated magnesium twice a week, since my body plows through this electrolyte at a consistent rate);
  • My other electrolytes are ok, including calcium, and my vitamin D is high enough to regulate the calcium properly;
  • My hydration is adequate. If I can’t experience thirst normally, I blink and feel for discomfort in my eyelids, or pinch up the skin on the back of my hand and give it 1/10 of a second to return to flat. (I need to stay in the upper level of hydration for the sale of my brain & spine — as well as my kidneys, which work hard to deal with my meds.)

Note of caution: Muscle spasms are not necessarily a simple fix. Start with the simple thing and work out what your underlying tendencies are: dehydration is usually easy to sort out, and you’ll know if it helps within a day; magnesium/calcium/electrolyte levels need a simple blood test to discover; once you’ve got good info to work from, you’ll know if your next step is supplementation, medication, homeopathy, or a call to your doctor.

So, please, start with getting good objective info so you know what your particular system is likely to need when your muscles cramp. There is definitely such a thing as too much dietary magnesium, so throwing magnesium chelates at spasms can make things considerably worse if that’s not the underlying problem!

G.I.

Colic & abdominal cramps: Mag phos for the win! See above.

Constipation: As I’ve recently been reminded… first, call your pharmacist, and ask about your med side effects. Sigh, so easy to do, so hard to remember to do.

Homeopathically, Sepia and Alumina took turns being helpful, but didn’t complete the turnaround I needed.

In the end, getting off a key med, while also minimizing histamine release in my gut, while also supporting digestion with a prescribed suite of digestive enzymes and some Chinese herbs, while also eating tapioca with nothing in it but a bit of coconut sugar nearly every darned day for 6 weeks… turned that intransigent problem right around. Plus, Mag phos for the abdominal cramps.

This is a 5-star example of a multi-front approach: med revision, diet revision, toxicity reduction, and a combination of supportive measures: prescription, dietary, herbal, and homeopathic.

Life, at this end, isn’t simple. Simple solutions often aren’t enough. That’s why I value the “multi-factor” approach: nothing works that well in isolation, so I often wind up getting everything possible to head in the desired direction.

Brain

“Heated” brain feeling & stormy sensory sensitivity: still best with herbal concentrated lemon balm, which is effective & reasonable. Good homeopathic fallbacks (for me) are Silicea or Kali phosphorica, depending on accompanying feeling of irritability (Silicea) or dullness (Kali phos.).

*Bone pain treatment note: The bone pain started up as Savella cleared my system. My bowels got back into gear over the same span of time. This week, I trialled a small dose (12.5 mg twice daily) of Savella to see what it did; in 2 days, the bone pain decreased by ~80% — and my bowels shut down at the same time, leaving me with the poor sleep, delayed recovery, body pain, and joint pain that comes with the inflammatory bloom that produces.

I might give it one more shot, but honestly, there was no other change involved and I hate torturing myself.

I’ve learned what it’s like to survive without a working gut,  and it’s too hard. The knock-on effects of pain, fog, and allergic activity is brutal.

So, my current personal project is to figure out another way to manage bone pain. It’s just awful, but a stalled gut is still worse.

Diet and nutrition has brought me a very long way forward, but at the moment, there’s not much more it can do. I’ve had a squeaky clean diet for years, but now it’s so carefully tuned it could probably hit high C. This may change, and if I have to do something else, I’ll figure it out when the time comes.

Pharmaceuticals have come a long, long way, especially these amazing mixed-SNRI neurotransmitter supporters. However, between my genetic tweaks affecting med assimilation and the natural effects of biochemistry, there isn’t an obvious way forward here, now that Savella has washed out for me.

Herbs are so built into my life that it’s a specific mental effort to think what else I could try here. Given that herbs A. Require frequent dosing and B. Do have side effects and I’m exhausted with side effects right now, that currently there’s nothing herbal I know of that I’m willing to try.

Homeopathics have a history of being more predictable, consistent, reliable, and safer for me than herbs and pharmaceuticals (though I owe my life to pharmaceuticals and am not dissing them, just facing another tough reality). There are several possibilities to explore, so that’s where the next step leads me.

Onward!

Felix the Cat with bag of tricks and scientist

Last 3 paragraphs

My own approach is absolutely comprehensive — pharmaceutical, nutritional, dietetic, physical, psychological, mental, herbal, artistic, behavioral, and energetic techniques all play a part, and there’s peer-reviewed science behind over 90% of what I do. Every single intervention gets tested on me — and assessed for benefit and drawbacks — before being incorporated, and gets retested at least yearly.

I’m a diligent empiricist; as I’m responsible for exactly 1 clinical case, that is the most rational approach. Empirical science is the only method of scientific inquiry which consistently considers the individual case.

Sarcastic Sister adds:

Anyone who sincerely & totally refutes the value of homeopathic remedies is welcome to borrow my body for a week or two & see what works for themselves; I’d be happy to borrow theirs while they figure it out.

Share this article:

Planning ahead

I’m getting an allergy panel in a month or so. This means I have to be off my antihistamine for 5 days before.

THAT means I have to start tapering off ~2 weeks ahead of time; 3 weeks would be safer, but I don’t see how to endure over 3.5 weeks total with that level of obnoxious symptomatology and brittle physical fragility. 

That said, I *really* want the data.

You might ask, “Why?” (Or possibly, depending on how familiar you are with the twisted satire that is my health record, “WhyTF?? Are you *crazy*??” As if you didn’t already have a definite opinion about *that*! 😏) 

Well, here goes…

Flash back to 2013

Years ago, under the tutelage of a late & very lamented friend who Knew Mast Cell Stuff like I know the back of my hands, I finally (in 2013) did my empirical testing around whether mast cell & histamine activation-like signs & symptoms I was struggling with, would respond to treatment. 

Step 1: reducing & eliminating competing problems

I had already gotten excellent neurological & biofeedback training, which worked well for many things (Go, Pain Psychologist Dr Faye Weinstein! I got tremendous and lasting benefits from my work with her. Highly recommended. “Stabilize, stabilize, stabilize.”) While I had excellent results from the neuro stabilization, it didn’t make much difference to the allergies, a particular “flavor” of brain fog, food & digestion issues, or the usual allergy circus of itching facial orifices & random urticaria.

The histological issues persisted most obnoxiously. This was 9 years ago when the mast cell activation diagnoses were not as well developed, and at a time that, though I had access to an enormous pool of well trained doctors, I was already up to my hip-waders in the maximum number of appointments I was able to keep. 

What do you think? Pursuing testing and inquiry into a set of issues that were still widely considered to be a matter of hysteria? — For a middle-aged woman with pain diseases and 60 extra pounds of weight, do you think *that* would have been a good use of my limited time? 

Smh!

So, I went empirical on it.

Two methods of science: “empirical” and “scientific” method

Both methods are scientific, in that they require diligent examination & limiting of variables as well as testing, retesting, and recording results accurately. 

(But hey, that nomenclature isn’t confusing, right? <eyeroll>)

It boils down to this: 

Empirical method: what works in this case in particular? 

Scientific method: what’s generally likely to work in many cases?

The empirical method of science is brilliant on a case-by-case basis, there’s nothing better; but avoid making assumptions beyond that case. The scientific method of science depends on hundreds, ultimately thousands, of cases, and from all those together, it generates statistical probabilities about what’s *likely* to work under certain circumstances as a general rule. It’s much more widely applied, but explicitly *not*  individualized.

This is why, as someone dealing with multiple rare issues, I test everything ~3 times on myself before deciding if it’s a good idea for my particular situation.

Now the next section will make more sense.

Right med, right dose, right time

I tried several antihistamines to see which one helped me the most. 

Then I experimented with dosing to see how much it took to get me functional most of the time. 

Then I experimented further with once-daily dosing, or dividing the dose in two and taking it twice daily. It had better results (and no “oog” feeling) if I took it twice a day.

In the end, I wound up on one of the top 3 meds for mast cell/histamine issues. I also wound up at the common dose for those with a solid case of Mast Cell Activation Disorder. (The twice-daily dosing was my own special twist, but I’ve since learned it’s not that uncommon among “masties”, as people with mast cell dysfunctions refer to themselves.)

Without any further ado, my doctors added MCAD to my list of diagnoses.

(As with every med and supplement, I continued testing it every 6 months or so, backing off the dose and looking for the minimum effective dose, but stopped doing this because of … we’ll get to that.)

But, frankly, a differential diagnosis doesn’t yield enough info to change anything causative. If I can nail specific allergens — or culprits — and receive treatments that can actually reverse this ghastly crap, that would be *great*!

So, I really want the data.

Histamines & tendon problems

I stopped trying to cut down on the antihistamines a couple of years ago, because I couldn’t bear any more injuries that threatened my mobility.

“Mobility? Huh??” I hear you ask.

One of the things the antihistamine helped with was tissue-tearing. I didn’t expect that, but was delighted not to be twisting my ankles on uneven ground or sudden jumps away from traffic, then having to crawl or scoot home because hopping on 1 foot when your tendons don’t work is a terrible idea.

As I thought about it, it made sense though…

Histology review:

Q: What happens when your histamines are active?

A: Among other things, inflammation in and around your cells.

Q: What happens when cells get inflamed?

A: Among other things, cell walls get weak and leaky.

Q: What happens when connective tissue cells get weak?

A: They tear more easily. 

Ah hah!

So, yeah, maybe MCAD could weaken my connective tissue after all — especially because, for one thing, I started out hyperflexible, which is a setup for these kinds of problems; and for another thing, the fibrosity of fibromyalgia has made my connective tissue more brittle & easier to tear.

Ducky! Another hat-trick! 🤣🤠

Back to the testing

This is the test where they put a grid on your back and scratch or inject tiny amounts of different stuff into your skin. In about 20 minutes, whatever you’re going to react to should be a nice hot ruddy lump, technically a “wheal”. 

For this to happen, your body has to have nothing interfering with histamine reactions — in other words, no anti-histamines.

Since the antihistamine I wound up on has a long half-life, I have to be off it for 5 full days before testing.

Prepping for the test

Because going from full dose to no dose means I can barely get out of bed safely (see “Histamines & tendon problems” above), I have to taper down. I’ve done this before, usually to eke out my meds when my supply is running late. It’s familiar territory. 

Experience tells me that:

  • I have to taper at a rate of no more than 12.5% of my daily dose at a time.
  • I’m best off (in this terrible sitiation) stopping for 3 days at each new dose before the next step down.

This means that it would take 20 days to taper off to 0 (shorting the last step to 2 days instead of 3) *and then* 5 more days at 0.

Doing this with tissues crying, “Go on — tear me!” And every bite of food, breath of air, bit of furniture, bump in the sidewalk, or tussock of grass all giggling in evil tones (so to speak), eager to hear my muffled yells.

Yeah. Tasteless spoofing aside, that’s not a great situation to spend 3.5 weeks in.

Then, of course, as soon as I can horse down my meds again, it’ll be several days before I qualify as human.

Then, about another 1 to 3 weeks before I get back up to baseline function.

My Halloween costume will require very little makeup for me to pass as a zombie, so that’s one bonus.

What a month-and-a-half to look forward to!

Is all this really necessary?

Well… I really, *really* want the data. If this is at all reversible, wouldn’t that be worth a few weeks of howl-worthy endurance?

Obviously, yes… but I don’t think I could keep at it for over a month. I’m good at enduring, but I’ve got hard limits.

I really, *really* want the data.

Managing towards the best possible outcome 

My doc prescribed me some prednisone to take in order to avoid winding up in the hospital over this. I look at the results of my last round of prednisone — the change in my face and the truly shocking stretch marks (which made my dermatologists blanch and leap back, no kidding) — and I consider this truly last-ditch stuff. Beats nothing, I guess. It might keep me out of our ER.

There are dietary issues to consider. (What follows is a brain-dump from my years of querying doctors and reading, as well as my empirical food testing.)

Food matters: boost the signal

I know that the system being tested (mine) can respond more truthfully if it’s familiar with the molecule being tested. For instance, I haven’t eaten gluten in years, so this test might possibly come up negative to that. 

Doesn’t mean that, the next time I walk past a bakery without my mask on, I won’t get an itchy swollen throat and everything won’t turn white for a bit, it just means my body had enough of a break to stand down, and will need to re-arm.

With that in mind, I might grab a couple of saltines before I go in. If I could calm the gluten circus enough to just be safer walking around, that would be awesome.

Food matters: reduce the noise

I’m getting off the aged and fermented food, because that makes such a dramatic difference in my pain and swelling. This includes seafood and beef and anything packaged (look up what creates histamine in food).

Despite that, I’m making exceptions for things which I want to make sure my body has experienced in the month before testing — nuts, bananas, stone fruit, fish, grains in addition to glutinous ones, even beans — although that’ll be a period of gastroparesis hell, but this system must not be “bean-naïve” for the test.

Because I really, *really*, REALLY want the data. This is the kind of info that could change the course of my life for the better. 

For that, I can get through some serious struggle. 

Ramping down steeper

I’m going to go down 12.5% of my dose every 2 days, instead of 3. This will shorten the ramp-time to 2 weeks. Recovery might be a little longer, but I can maintain attention on what I’m doing this for, for that length of time. 

Until then, I’ve got a lot of cooking to do and a freezer to stuff with things that 

  1. Won’t hurt me more than absolutely necessary, and
  2. Will include exactly what I think I need to be exposed to, to maximize the value of the test. 

If you’re in a similar situation, remember that your mileage may vary. Ask your own docs, and then ask their nurses the same questions.

The differences in the answers tend to reflect the wholism that nurses work with, a nitty-gritty pragmatism that rounds out the more optimistic notional-ness that doctors can succumb to. Both views matter.

For only the second time in my life, I might do actual menu planning. I’m usually more of a “what’s fresh? What’s cheap? What’s safe? What’s appealing? Throw it in the pan” kind of cook, but that takes brain. I’d like to insulate myself from a potentially very brain-free near future and reduce my frustration over the coming month. Having easy-to-grab, safely frozen meals sounds fabulous.

Here’s my plan…

The grocery order just arrived, so if you’ll excuse me…

Share this article:

When momentum uses inertia

Wizard, with hat and staff, standing next to text of Tolkien quote.That last post, about acknowledging the shimmering sense of mortality I’ve lived with for nearly a year? Well, I kept meaning to post an update, but I’ve been having too much fun making progress elsewhere, and simply dropped the ball. I often think, “oh, I should post that on my blog,” and then – pain diseases being what they are – when I shift context to hop online, I’ve forgotten what it was and quickly get sucked into something else.

At the risk of using terms improperly, I found myself explaining this normality of painee existence as a sort of “acquired ADD.” As it happens, our brains get changed in the same places and pathways that ADD brains live in, so that our scans look amazingly similar. Those ADD-like symptoms are definitely not imaginary. I have found myself using adaptations very much like those I’ve read about in some of the terrific books on ADD. I recommend reading up on it. There’s a ton of helpful material on how to manage with and work around these attention issues.

I miss blogging. So, I hope to automate (or at least simplify) moving information here from social media. There are still interesting questions to answer, and I think that useful info we generate in pain groups should find its way to a more stable, searchable medium.

I have been sinking into this life, having acknowledged that inward message about its likely brevity. I’ve been here a year, and love my little flat more and more each day. I’ve been rearranging, creating more usable space within the same square footage. It’s delightful!

I keep the picture that reminds me of those who made this happen over the decorative fireplace, where it looks wonderful, and send grateful thoughts to its source/s – even when reaching out in real life only creates confusion and misunderstanding. We humans generally, and painees particularly, sometimes realize we don’t control how others receive us, but we can steer our own thoughts. So, I maintain this practice of gratitude, because that’s who I am and always have been, and wait for better times.

More health problems? Certainly! I will write about the gastrointestinal circus another time. I’m currently working on digesting a drink of water, and I’d prefer not to think about it until that’s done. This is the big, hairy, stinking follow-up to the first sign of trouble nearly 2 decades ago, which I wrote about (with disgusting toilet humor, inevitably) over at the post Intestinal Fortitude.

Apart from one misunderstanding and that additional body system, this life is amazing. Bit by bit, I’ve been getting a broader pool of professional and personal help and support. Bit by bit, I’ve been coming up with adaptations that bring more art, craft, and productive time into my weeks, although I have to be careful (of course) about changing tasks and changing position and managing time better than I really want to. For instance: “No,” I had to myself yesterday evening; “you don’t get to finish that row of adaptive crochet! I don’t care how pretty this is, or how soft the yarn. These helpful tools only improve my function, they don’t correct the problem! Put. The yarn. Down. Thank you.  Now go do something else.”

So I did.

And then I treated my right forearm with everything in my toolkit. And then I made myself promise not to pick up those tools for at least two more days, because that’s what it takes to recover when I’m forgetful enough to do crochet on a couple of consecutive days. Change those tasks! Figuring out a crafty solution is not as important as protecting tomorrow’s ability. Or even tonight’s. I can use myself hard, but I’m not allowed to use myself up. I don’t count on a ton of recovery time.

I’m back to using dictation software, in order to make better use of my arm time. The stylistic difference is clear to me, but it probably doesn’t matter. This is a good compromise to make, although it’s not necessarily an easy one. Dictation is a strange, slow way of speaking, and it forces me to think in chunks rather than in thoughts and words. But hey, it works!

Times are changing. Whether or not the current American president behaves any better, whether or not the next American president has the moral courage for fundamental changes, whatever, times are changing. My own possibilities are opening up, and I’m not holding back. I didn’t even know I was, but boy, things have changed since I stopped trying to eke everything out! I’ve got things to do, and I’m not waiting any longer to do them.

If I were more self-conscious, I’d throw in a bumper sticker-appropriate remark here. I’m out of ideas. I’ve got other things to do now. Maybe next time. Maybe. 🙂

Take care of yourselves. When you can’t, take care of each other. When you can’t do that, take care of your world. It helps.

Share this article:

Next step, stop!

Update on wifiddling…
I got an idiot-proof radiation meter. Wifi is in the microwave band of 2,500 GHz and the additional 5,000 GHz band, which are part of the radiofrequency band, abbreviated as RF.

Here’s the reading from upstairs’s wifi, beaming down to where I used to have my sofa:
TriField Meter showing RF reading of .029
Here’s the reading where I have the sofa now:
TriField Meter showing RF reading of .004
I found a couple other hottish spots, but I also found a sitting spot that registers nearly 0 in every direction (as does most of my bed) and that’s where I take tea and pills in the morning.

I really like having data. After finishing my last post, I thought I was going to have to spend $1500 at the very least for partial protection, and start at $2200 for the whole enchilada, and where the heck would I get that? (My savings are tied up in a messy little mobile home I can’t go anywhere near.) Instead, it turns out I just need to move the furniture a little, and stay back from the windows that look next door. MUCH cheaper!

It turns out I’m just shatteringly tired. I’ve been living with too much fear for too long. Fear uses up a lot of energy and neurochemicals. On top of the relentless pain signalling (which uses a lot of energy and neurochemicals) and the neurochemically-expensive and exhausting work of having to juggle the exponentially increased effort and decisions required by disability AND poverty (each of which uses a lot of energy and neurochemicals)… once I got a safe and sane chance to rest, it’s like aaaaall those energy bills are coming due at once.

… To clarify my relationship to an excess of rest, let me relate a work anecdote.

I was new to software. I was still used to the pace of nursing, which is inhuman and unforgiving. I said something about having completed 4 out of 5 of my tasks (which I didn’t realize I had another week to complete) but I hadn’t completed the 5th because, I said with chagrin, I was probably being a lazy cuss.

The entire room erupted in laughter. Me — lazy? What a joke!

After 20 years post-injury and still being upright, articulate, and seasonally functional (which takes a TON of relentless work) I’ve almost adjusted to the idea that I’m the opposite of lazy. What I can do, I will, as soon as I can do it safely and adequately. That’s just how my programming goes. Good thing, too, or I’d never have made it this far.

It turns out I’m just phenomenally tired right now, 99.98% of the time. I’ve begun to stop apologizing for it, because it’s clearly beyond me. It just is, and will continue to be until it’s over.

When I can, I will do more. I have absolutely no worries about that, because I know in my bones that I’m the opposite of lazy.

I just really need to rest. I didn’t know it was possible to be this weary. Of all I’ve read about profound idiopathic exhaustion, the only thing that consistently works with no further damage is to rest thoroughly enough and long enough. Plus maybe a bit of careful, inch-by-inch support with Chinese herbs, which I’m also starting.

Rest. What a concept.

Well, here I go…

Ready? Set?

Resting.

Share this article:

A 3-point reality check in the armpit of winter

I’ve got a sweet, safe little spot all to myself now. I can’t talk about it much but the gratitude and relief is STUPENDOUS. It took over a month to begin to come home to the fact that I get to come home now.

Last week, I didn’t spend much time upright. Months of overdrafts on my body’s account were called in: colossal spoon-deficit.

If I’d had the energy to feel much, I would have been alarmed. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t anything: think, choose, feel, read, watch, be.

Pale mass of bubbles from underwater

Just drifted through the hours, mostly lying down, listening to audiobooks I’d read (or had read to me; thanks, Mom!) at least a dozen times before. Drifting in and out of the stories. Falling asleep early, waking late. Weird, spacey surges of energy got the kitchen cleaned a couple of times, and enough whole food cooked (can’t afford premade) to keep me fed for another 2 or 3 days.

The laundry pile and state of the floors don’t bear thinking about. I’ve started cleaning the floor, one square yard at a time, and so far that’s one square yard. Yay!

Last week, I was incredibly seduced by the idea of giving up the considerable ongoing effort of living. Oh, the peace, the comfort, the over-ness…

Eventually, I made an agreement with myself to simply wait until summer. That’s all. Anything else I did would be pure bonus. Even knowing I’ve got dreadfully important things to do, I had to be ready to put them aside to get this internal agreement to work.

Reasons

Of course, part of this is the wacky human version of hibernation, an unsatisfying slowdown without the restfulness or calm feelings that make it pleasant.

Cold dark winters are brutal. I never stop thinking about 2 things: deep warm baths and warm places to go in the winter. There’s no tub here and I’m not doing any more packing for awhile, though.

Compounded by longtime central pain, dysautonomia now with heart effects, bereavement, and recent protracted survival-stress, it’s really no darned wonder that letting this ride stop appealed to me!

I made promises which I take seriously, and there’s no question of my hurting myself. That’s just not going to happen.

I only wanted so badly to stop pushing back all the time, stop doing the relentless self-disciplines around every life activity — eating, sleeping, moving around, taking care of self and pet and home, making it to all those appointments, staying on top of my tasks, tracking the endless cyclogram* of signs & symptoms & exposures & feelings & barometric changes & solar weather & functional levels… you get the picture.

Stylized image of woman asleep with enormous red and black dress billowing around and supporting her. White snow falls from a deep blue sky

What chores await

I want the business from my failed homing efforts cleaned up and moved on as soon as possible, so I can stop paying rent on a useless space. Going back to it is a desperately nauseating thought. The place nearly killed me, I realize in retrospect.

At least one of my friends realized that at the time. Sigh.

Line drawing of woman flat on floor, with woozles coming out of her head
Image mine. Creative Commons share-alike attribution license, credit livinganyway.com.

I’m used to pushing past feelings, of course — “CRPS R US!” — but this stage of illness makes an issue out of being too dizzy or vomity to drive safely. (The vomiting is really intense and leaves me no control of my arms and legs… or anything, actually.)

I toy with the idea of a tree falling on the thing hard enough to trigger an insurance writeoff… happy thought! Well, actually, I’m not fussy; anything that totals it and doesn’t harm anyone would be fine with me.

Dreaming is free. Meanwhile, I’m working on healing as hard as I can. This is one of several weighty and important things to manage, and I know a few of you know how much that’s like trying to run with no legs.

But I’m getting better

This morning, I could actually taste the raw sugar in my tea. That’s kind of amazing. I didn’t realize I’d simply stopped being able to taste sweetness. It’s these little things that give me some rational hope.

This first day that I’ve been well enough to get out, I loaded up on blue fruit and low-FODMAP carbs.

Hubris, meet Reality-check

I’m sitting down to give these palpitations a chance to calm down before heading home. If I’m up to it, I’ll get some digestible protein; if not, I’ll go home and get back to horizontal.

Something about that statement seemed odd. H’mmm…

I know what to do when a statement seems odd: do a simple 3-step reality check!

Isy’s 3-step reality check**:
1. Review what I just said.
2. Take a moment to notice the totality of how my body feels, right now.
3. Think back over past 24 hours and look for other symptoms.

That took 5 seconds for the first 2 steps and another 6 for the third. It gets very efficient with practice.

I said to myself, “Self… Palpitations and breathlessness now, and seeing spots last night & this morning? You’re going home to lie the heck down, pal! No argument!” (The spots relate to blood flow, in my case, so heart symptoms have been acting up in a non-chest way.)

Can’t argue with that.

…Well, I could, but it’d be wilfully stupid and I disapprove of wilful stupidity — not just in politicians, but also in myself. So I’d better get stable enough to drive and then go home and lie down.

1 hr later…
I did.

Cats are masters of pa:ng 🙂

Footnotes
*A cyclogram is a way of charting multiple changing elements in a single system, using a circular graph. It can be useful for seeing overlaps, backtracks, correlations, and other patterns among the different elements. Whether it’s better than an oblong line-graph is a matter of taste, but I find the sense of spinning-ness very apt here!

**Step 1 keeps me on track. I had two professions where everything depended on my getting things right, but I’m not perfect (despite best efforts!) so I got into the habit, very early on, of mental review and double-checking myself.
Step 2 is nearly magical in its effect. I stole it from the stress- and uncontrolled-pain-management skillset. It’s key to getting on top of any mind-clouding moment. Try it out, it’s magnificent!
Noticing the body response is a tremendously powerful step to getting back in charge. Once we can notice the physical self in an overcharged state, we can learn to steer it to a better physical state — breathe better, stand or sit better, lift the neck, release the shoulders — and wow! Suddenly it’s not about being so overwhelmed, it’s about a single moment (in a whole life) which we’re managing and moving more gracefully through. Great tool. Gets better and better with practice.
Step 3 I add for health issues, because chronic conditions need more context so we can figure out what’s going on. I started doing that for patients 30 years ago, so there’s a special rolodex in my brain for recent symptoms. When that rolodex went missing during the Hell Years, I noted symptoms & signs in my journal, which lived by my berth on the boat, always in reach. Over time (time which was passing anyway) that ability gradually got rebuilt.
Tracking matters. It really matters.

Share this article:

Angel wings & tactical things

This morning, I woke up feeling like a butcher knife was lodged in my heart, the memory of barking and snarling voices ringing in my ears. No surprise there; it’s to be expected.

My first coherent thought was, “This needs to be better.” I think that about a lot of things, but this one is mine to deal with.

I pulled one of my tools out of my mental toolkit, and flicked my eyes from ceiling to floor, ceiling to floor. (I’m a side-sleeper.) When I felt an urge to close my eyes, I did. When I opened them again, the butcher knife had shrunk to the size of a stiletto, maybe a medium-sized knitting-needle.

This magic technique is one way of using “bilateral stimulation.” Bilateral stimulation is a way of using neuro-anatomy to manage neuro-chemistry, using your brain signals to heal your mind. There’s loads of material on it in the field of trauma psychology.

Basically, the way our brain processes “sidedness” (the fact that we have a left, a right, a front, and a back) is even deeper than the way it processes strong, primitive emotions, like fight-or-flight-or-freeze. Those emotions tend to disrupt the brain’s normal processing of memory, thought, and decision-making, which can be useful when mastodons are stomping over your village — what you need to do is move faster than you’ve ever done in your life, and not camp on their migratory route in the future.

Most decisions we have to make are not on that order. Even when we live with a brain that keeps wanting to go there, it’s still rarely useful. So, it’s wise to have a few tools that can keep it in check when it’s working “after hours”, so to speak.

One way to do that, which works for most ordinary stressors, is meditation. It gives me practice in creating a still space inside, where I can survey my surroundings, assess things, and choose the best way forward, from this non-triggered space. The “success” of individual meditation sessions is irrelevant to this skill, because it comes naturally as a result of persistently going back to meditation and working on it over and over. Like with many things regarding central nervous system care, persistence is key.

When my skills are toppled over by what goes on around me (cf. my last post! A perfect example of losing it and coming back again), these other tools come out of my “bag of tricks.”

Glancing from one side to another is easy, portable, and requires only some vision and muscular control of your eyes. Pick a spot about 45-60 degrees ahead of you on your left, and a corresponding spot on your right. Flick your glance from one to the other, and back again, not too fast, not too slow. The right speed varies from person to person and time to time. Feel out the point where your system naturally drops to a median, attentive level. It doesn’t feel dramatic or unnatural; I experience it as a sort of a natural pause, as if it’s waiting calmly for something reasonable. Getting someone properly trained in EMDR to teach you what this feels like is really helpful, but you might be able to find it yourself.

There’s a bit more to it: real EMDR training starts with finding, and programming into that deep layer, a “safe place” to go to in your mind; establishing a certain connection with what some call “your wise self”, so you can re-assess your situation and re-evaluate your responses without the triggering; and learning what happens to you, in particular, during the process, so you can self-treat with fewer problems and more success.

Other techniques of bilateral stimulation include the “butterfly hug.” Cross your arms so your hands rest on your opposite collarbones, and tap one side, then the other side. This feels very comforting. It’s not my go-to, because the nerves going through my elbows don’t like bending up that much.

Thigh tapping is widely taught in disaster- and war-related trauma recovery. It can be done sitting, standing, or lying down. Simply tap your legs, first one side, then the other, with the hand on that side. Left hand left leg, Right hhand right leg, back adn forth. The signal demands attention from the brain, which pulls itelf off of panic duty and gets back to processing information and sorting memories in a healthier way.

My physical therapist recently taught me the cross-body crawl. I can do this standing, sitting, or lying down on my back. Reach over with one hand and bring up the opposite knee, then switch sides, back and forth.

This does several things: it provides bilateral stimulation, which calms the panicky system down. It tones the core muscles, especially done while walking! It reminds the brain where the limbs are, which is kind of a huge deal with CRPS, which tends to muddle our brain’s map of our bodies. The cross-body crawl tops my current list of things I wish I wouldn’t do in public, because people look at me funny, but I’m going to do it anyway, because it’s so helpful to me.

I’m also able to focus on nutrition, physically the biggest player in the healing game. I made a green soup last night — Not Chik’n brand bouillon with all the green things I could find in the store that weren’t cabbage relatives (because they push down on my thyroid), and yesterday that was parsley, leeks, mature spinach, celery, and dandelion greens, plus carrots to smooth it all out. I cooked the rather harsh-smelling leeks in butter until the smell sweetened, then dumped everything but the spinach in and simmered for awhile, letting the minerals leach out into the broth. Then I cooked the spinach on top more briefly (so it wouldn’t get bitter) and threw it all in the blender.

As my friend said, “It’s like a chlorophyll bath.”

Meanwhile, as long as I persist in my meditative practice, the work on finding a home charges ahead. It’s a lasting puzzle to the linear part of my mind why an hour spent on meditation makes the other 3-4 functional hours I can squeeze out of the day ten times more effective. I’m gaspingly glad that it does, because it’s a heck of a job to find a safe place for this body.

This cascade of events has carved into my very bones the understanding that it’s meditation that will save me in the end. It’s the axis of my mundi, strange as that may seem to those who’ve witnessed any of my eventful life.

I feel the wings of angels stirring my hair now, and I can’t worry, only take the leap and trust that I’ll fly, rather than fall.

Share this article:

Floating again

I’ve removed two posts:

  1. “Departure & apology” is moot, completely overtaken by events.
  2. “Outrageous fortune” has the seeds of a good tutorial for navigating intensely difficult, but very predictably-patterned, situations which painies are very likely to find themselves in sooner or later, especially in relation to other painies. (Currently, it’s mostly “bleeding on the page,” which is not very useful.) With a top-flight professional in the field as a cowriter, I think we can turn that into a useful tool which could help limit damage in other situations and provide good tactics and strategies for self-extrication and perspective.

 

To provide some sort of segue between two very different periods of life, I’m including the end of the second piece here. It seems like a pretty good transition marker.

bursting milkweed pod hanging between rock, birch, and sky

So now… I spend alternately painful and peaceful hours in meditation. I walk in the fresh air whether it’s warm enough or not. I drink another glass of water every time I pass the sink. This will pass. This will pass. I still live, so I must breathe and keep on. This will pass.

It’s now a week … and already the formless future is beginning to gain a bit of shape. It’s nothing like what I’d imagined before. I imagine nothing now. I wait to see what emerges. So far, my family of origin is leaping onto their shining steeds; high school friends are posse-ing up with an offhand, “That’s Buxton; we look out for each other”; and a meditation center that works for me and a glowing kindred spirit have popped out of the fog, pointing out a way before me.

Meanwhile, the milkweed is bursting its pods — a glorious, silken, dizzyingly delicate reminder of the peaceful beauty of letting go…

Outrageous fortune is starting to come from a different direction now. I will feel whole again someday; I feel it in the wind.

Hours before leaving the city after all that horror, my driver’s-side wing mirror got creamed. The rest of that side is fine, hardly a scratch, but… no wing mirror.

As metaphors go, it’s probably good advice:

Stop Looking Back.

Share this article:

There’s always an afterwards

This, right after “Keep breathing”, is one of my go-to pieces of mind management. It’s about so much more than consequences. Let’s take an example.

A non-obvious choice

At work, before I got sick, there were a lot of big, well-built guys in the software engineering department, who wrote the programming code that made the business happen. (It was a software firm with a great gym on campus; hence, lots of engineers & muscley ones at that.)

There were a lot of diligent people (almost all of them fit, though few as statuesque) in the QA department, who tested the programming code that the software engineers wrote, and had to make sure it was accurate and well-behaved (yes, code is supposed to be well-behaved!) before it was finalized.

Among the QA engineers was a woman about 4’9″, one of those sweetly scintillating geniuses who didn’t seem to have a temper to lose.

One day, in a meeting, one of the most magnificent of the software engineers learned that something he’d made was not behaving well. He argued the point; this QA engineer calmly reiterated her findings. To my astonishment, he actually stood up, walked over to her, and loomed. I mean, LOOMED.

The entire room (mostly men) held its collective breath. It was out of character for this engineer to be unpleasant, as a rule; and to pick on a woman? Unthinkable.

But his brainchild had been criticized, and he did not like it one bit.

Now, I grew up with two brothers. I also worked as an ER nurse in one of this nation’s hell-holes. I know how this is supposed to go. One person looms, the other bristles, and things get louder, with the (sometimes implicit) threat-level increasing until one backs down.

two tense men, one standing, one curled on his back, pointing guns at each other

I learned that day that there is, in fact, more than one way that this absolutely primal interaction can go.

All 92 pounds of QA engineer peered straight up, neck totally relaxed and head dropped back, at the scowling 180-pound sculpture of irritation and physique, with a mild air of bland puzzlement. It was as if she was wondering if he really thought standing over her changed the facts, and what was the point, which it turned out was exactly what she _was_ thinking.

This image?

big great dane looking down at a little chihuahua

Not a patch on that moment. It was wonderful.

The engineer eventually breathed and went back to his seat. Like the super-smart guy he almost always was, he moved straight on to how to fix the problem.

The afterwards

Given the format of conflict most of us know, the QA engineer should have tensed up and snarled, and that should have turned into a shouting match and disrupted the rest of the day — possibly involving HR and resulting in reprimands for them and hours of “training” for all. That’d make for a difficult, expensive, exhausting, and largely fruitless afterwards. These two worked together a lot, and this could have started a long downhill slide in their work relationship, which would have affected a lot more than their moods.

Instead, the QA engineer stayed on task — she held the larger view of what was needed to bring the code “up to code”, so to speak. By doing so, she gave the software engineer (who, admittedly, shouldn’t have needed it, but we’re all human and make mistakes sometimes) enough mental space and time to calm down, refocus, and get on with the important thing. Which he did.

After that, he did his looming without moving from his seat, which was no more than anyone else did. Their relationship continued to be a little testy, since one necessarily had to criticize the other, but increasingly respectful because they were both so good at their jobs. (They loved each other, professionally, even when they didn’t like each other. Sound familiar?)

I  finally got it

I found my own level of tension dropping after that. Even when the brainstem is receiving hard signals, it’s possible for the cortex to choose wisely, instead of reflexively. Who knew??

My own team of software engineers were more shouty and less loomy, but it sure calmed things down when I could simply wait, relaxed, as they ranted, and then ask — in a calm, natural manner — what to do about it.

waves pouring around a still stack of rocks

It was great preparation for living with central (that is, driven by the brain and spine) pain.

Barely alive

Pain does things to the brain, and central pain does more, worse, longer, and harder. However, pain is not the only thing in my brain. I have all kinds of things there, not least of which is — my mind.

There was a period when I was almost dead (sorry, Mom.) Even getting to my knees was impossible until my body had turned up the volume on itself, which took almost an hour. I was living aboard a sailboat at the time, and the fresh air and gentle rocking did me a lot of good. Not enough, though.

As this period began, I thought about it long and hard, lying there in my berth, desperate to yield completely to the exhaustion but unable to give up on life until I’d figured out the plot. Seriously, that was all that kept me alive: narrative curiosity, and feeding my cat. (Hey, whatever it takes!)

But wait, this gets even funnier.

I mentally reviewed the many adventure movies I’d seen, where the protagonist gets through impossible situations and overcomes unbearable limits by pure willpower, because they choose — over and over — to take the next step or make the next move, however hard it might be.

It popped into my head that almost all of those movies were fiction. “Doesn’t matter,” I told myself. “It’s all right. Some of them were based on fact.” Sure, I’ll go with that!

And so, with Cleopatra (Queen of Denial) riding my back…

sketch of me, splatted, with one fist ahead of me, and a bas-relief of Cleopatra perched on my back

I pushed my pillows aside, planted a fist on the settee coming straight out from the head of my sleeping berth, and pulled forward. God, that was hard. I panted until I could breathe again, then muttered, “I choose to go forward, whatever it takes.” I planted the other fist, dragged myself forward another few inches. Panted, took a breath, “I choose to go forward.” Over and over. “I choose.”

After a few days, I didn’t have to say it aloud every time. After a few weeks, I didn’t verbalize it at all; it was a silent stream of intention. A couple months later, I got hooked up to an acupuncturist/naturopath/homeopath who figured out how to gently draw my shattered system back from the brink, without accidentally knocking me off the edge. (Dr. Daniel Donner in the Oakland/Berkeley area; very highly recommended.)

Becoming super-human, or maybe more fully human

It was around this time — with social media toddling out of the BBS/chat era with its first firm steps, and blogs becoming normalized — that I developed the theory that humans under unbearable circumstances have to become superhuman, and that this is why we have myths — to show us the way past our learned limits. To quote the sainted Sir Terry Pratchett,

It’s amazing how peope define roles for themselves and put handcuffs on their experience and are constantly surprised by the things a roulette universe spins at them.

We are so much more than we think we are, than we have let ourselves believe, than this tiny moment in history and culture allows us even to notice!

As an amateur historian and someone who bounced all around the world growing up, I’ve always had a pretty solid sense that what one time/place thinks is normal, is actually pretty darn weird in the eyes of the rest of reality. (“Eggs for breakfast? But that’s dinner food!” And the moment I realized it was breakfast in London but dinner for me, and so it didn’t matter what I had.)

What I learned a little later is that I don’t always have to blend in. In fact, there are times when it’s best to ignore “normal” and get on with what needs doing.

These days, “normal” is scarcely ever a relevant concept, except as a matter of how to tune my disguise.

I’ve noticed I get better results and am treated better by others when I fall within certain parameters of appearance and behavior — ones that are “normal” either for a nice White soccer mom with arty sensibilities (on the street), or a pleasantly intelligent professional (when seeing physicians & administrators) — so I track myself accordingly. Your mileage may vary — we’re all different — so, try different things and see what works for you.

Back to reality

The point is, even at the hardest moments, and despite intense cultural programming and bitter central pain, it IS possible to choose how to be.

We don’t hear that much, especially from movies, eh? Follow your feelings! Be impulsive — it’s cool! Violence works! 3 days is enough to know someone’s soul! Good people will love you no matter what! If it/they are not perfect, it’s broken! If others disagree, you have the right to hurt them back! Sigh.

In fact, these are symptoms of a traumatized brain. I know — I live in one that’s constantly being re-traumatized. Black-and-white thinking, catastrophizing, blaming, panicking — being totally overwhelmed by huge emotions, forgetting that there is a complex human being in the midst of them, one who HAS feelings but IS NOT the feelings.

This is the un-managed internal reality of central pain: full-on red-alert, a fire drill for an inferno that never stops burning.

Feelings, impulses, drives — they’re information, not commands.

Consciously or not, we choose what to be guided by.

This is why self-management is imperative for us — and why we can be a bit fragile when the pain is high, or we have to think about being sick (like at the doctor’s office.)

We have to work to manage this impossible mess without looking like we’re falling apart. If we don’t succeed, if we simply react the way “normal” people would “normally” react under that kind of stress, we can easily lose everything — doctors, jobs, family, friends, allies, resources, the lot. We have to be abnormally strong to handle abnormally large, abnormally relentless assaults on our peace and poise, not to mention our lives and minds.

This is why being “super-human” is not a bad concept — imagine being a better survivor than X-Men’s Magneto, a cannier manager than James Bonds’ M, as resourceful as Coyote, as implacable as Kronos, as benevolent as Kuan Yin. These mythological models, not “normal human behavior”, may be the only standards that are even applicable to people in extraordinary circumstances.

For people like me (and there are a lot of us, not only from central pain), with a brain constantly under siege from noxious primal signals and in a socio-historical moment aiming to squash the disabled/poor/female/peculiar like bugs, this understanding is transformative, and very freeing: I can’t aspire to be normal, let alone change the world… but I can learn to choose my responses, and if I have to aim higher than normal to do so, there are still models to follow — even if I have to go inch by inch, fist over fist, to follow them.

It takes practice, but it’s possible. As with muscles, our habits of mind get stronger with practice. Of course it takes time, but the time will pass anyway, right?

Catching the wave

The first habit to develop is learning to notice when the wave of emotion rises. That is the sweet spot, right before emotional/physical pain (in all their strangling glory) take over.

That’s the moment when it’s easiest to catch on and remember our larger job of doing well despite everything, the moment when it’s easiest to pick a good “afterwards” to aim for and follow the inner prompts that can lead to it.

I find that the temporary relief of discharging my anguish or rage is absolutely nothing compared to the lasting relief of making things better, one choice at a time. At times, I have to remind myself of this, pause, breathe, and take the time to choose a better response than the first or strongest one that occurs to me.

It’s a constant discipline, rather than a destination; life always has more surprises in store. But I’ve had practice, and those “choosing my afterwards” mind-muscles are in decent shape. If I can get clear of mind-muddling mold, they might get even better.

Hard to do that without being able to catch the moment. It took time to learn to identify it, and when I’m particularly disrupted by pain or shock or toxic exposures — especially toxic exposures — catching that moment can be temporarily impossible.

Given good nutrition and no toxins, though: reaching for a better way to be, comes soon after we learn to identify that difficult moment. It’s a wonderful skill; makes a person very powerful in the wider world, as well as in the interior world of “living anyway.”

I think it also improves my writing 🙂

Beyond the moment

I said earlier that “always an afterwards” was about more than consequences. It was an important part of my getting through what I call The Hell Years. It reminded me that, if I survived this — whatever it was — I’d get to find out what would happen next.

And boy, was that a journey worth making!

Share this article:

A fond farewell

J just drove away from here for the last time.

Friday, he filled up the kindling box and organized the firewood to his satisfaction.  (Yes, it has been cold enough in the mornings to need a fire sometimes. In late June.)

Saturday, he helped my friends change out a very troublesome toilet. It was not a task for the faint of heart.

En route, he let me know he’d decided to leave this weekend, 2 weeks earlier than planned.  I could have handled it worse, but it wasn’t good.

Being part of doing something as fundamentally Freudian as changing a toilet helped, though. We both were a lot better afterwards.

Sunday, he took a “recovery” day but still mowed the whole lawn, did the lion’s share of washing every stitch of clothes and linens for me, cleaned the kitchen, and vacuumed the living room.

I wrote up an illustrated “so long & thanks for all the fish” sort of letter for him, so he could leave easier in his mind. I saw him read it, pause, smile upside-down and let one eyebrow drift up. A shadow lifted.

Neither of us slept much last night, but spent hours hearing the other toss and sigh a floor away. While I was rattling around upstairs at midnight, he came up and asked for alka-seltzer. I gave him half a box for the road. (It’s part of my gluten-exposure first aid kit.)

This morning, unable to lie down past 5:40am (my feet were spasming something awful), I got up and took a shower straight away, giving him time to slip away if he wasn’t up to seeing me. He waited until I was dressed and ready, then gave me a warm hug and a warm kiss and asked for my blessings.

I carried the cat out to wave goodbye.

When I came back, there was, of course, exactly the right amount of water in the kettle for my tea.

So, this is what it looks like to let go with love.

It’s still devastating, absolutely devastating, but a lot less wracking and a lot quieter than the usual alternative.

And now, back to my regularly-scheduled programming of coping with agony, loss, DIY for gimps, too much work with too little time and capacity, appropriate depression/anxiety, and impending homelessness.

Send in the clowns!

Today’s task: get my last box into storage, retrieve my camping stuff, and assess whether I’m safe to use the table-saw I’ll need to rent to do the subflooring downstairs. Probably not a good idea. That might have to wait. At least a week.

Okay, storage it is. And work on prepping the car for camping. Because the future happens whether I’m ready or not.

Share this article: