There’s a lot going on.
My own health took a hard dive late last year and the damage continues to evolve…
…On top of an increasingly human-hostile political system and increasingly deadly climate.
So, yeah, sitting here on a big pile of crap. But that’s not the problem.
What really bugs me is this relentless, quiet, basso-profundo voice murmuring in the back of my brain, “Hurry up. You don’t have much time. You, personally, don’t have time to waste. Pick your focus. Nothing else matters. Get to work. You don’t have much time.”
I used to have a lot of projects running at once…
- I didn’t tell anyone, but I secretly hoped I’d be able to run again. I used to run 4 miles up & down a canyon in the redwoods before work most days. It was glorious. Before that, on the other coast, I ran 5 to 10 miles along the banks of the river in Alexandria, Virginia, because it felt good and kept my head clear for work on the HIV ward. I ran from one place to another because it was faster than walking.
Yeah. Well. Between dysautonomia screwing up my circulatory responses and adrenal glands, the tissue fragility of mast cell dysfunction vs. undiagnosed EDS offering to rip holes in my tissues again, and the recurring exercise intolerance, I can let that one go. I enjoyed it at the time, look back on it fondly, and intend to be grateful for that much.
- I was going to start a business with a line of absolutely stellar pain creams I came up with. Seriously good stuff! It’s at least as good as the medical marijuana salve I used to make from top-shelf medical-grade bud — but totally legal everywhere! I was looking forward to getting that out to my fellow painees, doing some good and making some money. (Comment if you’re interested. I could be persuaded to sell my stock-on-hand.)
Instead, I’m willing my recipes and equipment to a friend who knows people. She can get it out, and make more when that’s gone. Meanwhile, I’ve got a few hundred bucks locked up in the only exception to my “2 piles” rule for money: 1 pile (my paycheck) for monthly expenses, and 1 pile (an insurance account from the Worker’s Comp branch of the higgledy-piggledy US system) for treatment and survival. That 3rd pile, which belongs to the business and only to the business, is gathering dust. It might help her get started.
- As regular readers know, I once hoped to make my own safe home to age, work, rest, and die in.
The downside to owning a home is clearer than ever, and to a limited budget and limited body, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. That dream is dead, staked, burned, and the ashes are buried at the crossroads.
- I love fixing sh-tuff. The dopamine wave is delicious. However… too many piles of sh-tuff waiting to be fixed, plus associated tools and supplies.
I’ve donated, bartered, and tossed away more than I even knew I had to spare. So far, I don’t really miss it.
Months ago, I gave up all my arts & crafts except writing and drawing. (And making masks.) I came up with some chirpy sounding reason, but it was about clearing my agenda and narrowing my focus.
There’s something intense about that voice. I look back and realize I’ve been responding to it since before this GI crisis evolved. Thinning out my pursuits. Thinning out my belongings. Thinning out my life.
Narrowing my focus long before I could hear the words this clearly.
For awhile, I thought it was a symptom of wonky chemistry, as I’ve had to do that medication square-dance that people who need neurotransmitter stabilizers have to do now and then. Chemistry is pretty good in here now, and that voice is clearer than ever.
So, here’s what there is to work with:
* I’ve done a lot of writing and training.
* The biological-sciences part of my brain has kept its doors jammed open, despite all the other closures.
* I’m an honest enough historian to know how too many people have been shut out of the process of using their health care systems, due to gender, race, class, and lousy sociohistorical times.
* Me and my friends have developed some powerful tools for being seen and being believed.
* Also, we’re pretty delightful cartoonists. (Hey, it’s a great teaching tool!)
It might be time for all of this to come together. My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to “drive” turning all this into a body of work that can continue teaching, training, and translating between chronically & profoundly ill patients and the rest of the world, long after I’m gone.
I have only 2 jobs now: stay as well as possible for as long as possible, and craft that legacy.
It’s frightening to contemplate pushing everything else off my plate, but the experience of the past year has shown me, over and over, the peace and release that happens after.
I don’t have to find the perfect home, although I’d sure be grateful if it landed on me and sucked me right in. (I can’t pack myself up to move one more time.) I have to make this one work better, and get on with the rest of my life. I honestly don’t think I’ve got a lot of time.
But then, I’m not sure that’s the point. Maybe I just can’t focus on more than 2 jobs anymore.