I’m having an episode of rock-hard insomnia. I’ve been having unpleasant dreams about an obnoxious person I used to know. I wondered if there was some concealed message in these recurring distasteful dreams, but, on reflection, I’ve concluded that my brain is just being an asshat. Sometimes it just is.
Having unpleasant dreams does cause insomnia for me; it seems I don’t want to go to dreamland when dreamland sucks. That seems fair!
So, I’ve dabbed lavender oil on my pillow, which calms my central nervous system and wards off nightmares. I’ve taken hydroxyzine, but didn’t even notice the window of opportunity, so that’s no good. I have one of my favorite books read by one of my favorite readers playing, but it’s just noise tonight.
Nope. Nothing.
I’m more relaxed, sure. Just nowhere near sleepy-bye.
What occupies my mind most of all, though, is how this period in my life, personally, is a halcyon time. Hard as it is in the shared realities of politics and funding, my personal life is filled with kindness, care, and love, more than it’s been in… oh lordy, let’s not go there. Years.
I adopted a young friend and they have brought their partner and siblings and pets into my life. Every time a new member of this clan meets me, my soon-to-be kid-in-law watches the exchange, nods, and says, “Everyone in this family falls in love with Isy,” as if it were the most natural thing and completely to be expected.
It’s an odd way to double your family size. I realize that. It won’t always feel so easy, because that’s life and being human. It’s simply that, after decades of grinding through this really bloody hard work of being alive with CRPS and all its atrocious friends & companions (dysautonomia and disability to start with and spiraling down from there), working through every challenge essentially alone for most of that time… this? This is different.
One of the kids is staying over to do my housework and help with shopping and cooking. They commented, insightfully, how glad they were that I experimented more with food when they were around.
I said that it’s easier because if I choose wrong and my fingers turn into sausages, I can still eat safely and recover without losing ground, because they’re there to take care of things. Also, my allergies are much better because of their work.
I said, “It’s safer when you’re here.”
I had one of those echoey moments when a bone-shaking realization hits you and you can either weep for the dreadful risks and hardships of the past or take a breath and be grateful for the present.
I took a breath.
So, although I need to sleep and I don’t want any more nightmares, I’m enjoying being awake because I can just wallow in this feeling that — after so long and so much — I find myself recognizing, with a rare purity, that these are halcyon days for me. Right now. I didn’t know I’d get such a wonderful time again, but I hoped for it, for many, many years.
I’ve had good times, don’t get me wrong! I’m good at finding joy and making the most of moments of connection and delight. I have friends and relatives I adore and can rely on. My life has loads of good.
It’s not the same as this feeling of bedrock beauty undergirding my daily experience. Does that make sense? It’s not just beautiful moments with loved ones making gorgeous spots among the daily crap. It’s a wholeness of greater safety and loving peace. The lovely moments string together until the brightness takes over.
As my adoptive grandchild sleeps in the next room, I find that I don’t have nearly enough fingers and toes to count all my blessings. I don’t mind being awake tonight. It’s a halcyon insomnia!
