I’m profoundly curious. (Take that however you want, LOL)
When I was an inch from dying, around 12-14 years ago, when there was nothing left of anything I thought made up my life… I found, down there at the bottom of everything that had been, this relentless creature who had to know how the story would go. I could not allow death to overtake me because I’d never know. So I lived – on pure willpower for a while, but then things started to change and get better & better.
This came up in my Pain Psychology appointment today, following on from the “new pain doc” appointment I’d had the day before. I’ve had 4 pain specialists in 9 years, and (thanks to extended litigation) around 19 in the past 20. Since much more than my life depends on my pain docs, and I have no control over the situation, this is harrowing, every single time.
My medical PTSD is a main focus of my pain psychology treatment, which is how this came up for discussion.
My curiosity is clearly more fundamental than my reflexes and primal needs, so, “Let’s figure out how to use it to interrupt some primally-driven anxieties.” Today’s quote from Kylie Steinhilber, PhD, my pain psychologist. From this, we discussed 2 further insights:
- Being inquisitive is about holding an empty mind/heart in the present: pure now, with an open eye to the unknown future.
- Trauma responses are about having emotional context and re-experiencing that history, thinking (“knowing”) it will go this way or that way based on what’s happened before.
I’ve never realized that quite so clearly.
If this had been a rough “new pain doc” visit, I could go to the open & curious state of, “so that’s what’s here/now. I wonder where it will go?” – instead of falling into the misery and grim anxiety of “knowing” what it will be like based on prior experience.
Note to self:
BE CURIOUS about where the story will go! That is rational, even though it doesn’t come with a plan.
Prior experience matters, but it’s a lot better for me to stay open and inquisitive and be with what’s going on now. More options, less antipathy between us, and that opens up communication – which improves outcomes, even in a crap situation.
Serendipity was my brain’s home base pre-injury, & it likely still is. It’s OK to go there and hang on when things get uncertain.
I’m in the 20% of humans who thrive through a serendipitous approach, although it drives more linear people (the 80%) up a tree, because it looks crazy to them & sometimes makes them want to reach for a net – or a straight-jacket.
When I use their (the 80%’s) linear approach (which I’m technically good at; mad skillz), the best I can do is mediocrity, if that. It doesn’t work well, no matter how careful the planning and research I put into it. Makes no sense, but that’s how it goes.
Chaos and WTFery are going to find me. I’m one of those people that things happen to. No, that’s not logical, but accepting it is rational. Interesting distinction between logic and reason there.
I see my mental job as learning – over & over – how to ride the metaphorical wild horses, not keep trying to dodge their flinty hooves as they run over my well-plotted garden.
20% of humans are like this. We’re not alone, just unusual.
Note to self:
I CAN TRUST MYSELF to know how to go and when to stop. Truly.
Cf. my “15% overdo recovery time” note in my personal pain rating scale. I really do know what it means to overdo by 15%, and why it’s harder to recover from than 10%. *That’s* evidence of a high level of insight & self-management. I can perceive it accurately when I loosen my grip on “tha Plan” and listen to myself.
I said to myself, “Self…
“LET the inner story that ‘everything will go wrong’ BE WRONG.”
Some moments suck anyway, but they pass a whole lot faster when I stay curious and open and let things go differently than expected.
All that said… I am simply over the moon with delight that this “new pain doc” visit was such a good one and that I feel safe at last in that part of the system! That frees up a ton of energy, now and ongoing. The relief is stupendous.
The resident (training) physician remarked, unprompted and naturally, “After all, you are the expert in your own body.”
Hearing that from a doctor is a show-stopper. As one friend & compatriot said, “I’d be less surprised if a unicorn came to your door and told you you’d won the lottery.”
It feels a bit like that..
On rereading this, I think it runs the risk of coming off as “toxic positivity” and “you’ll feel better if you think differently”, both of which are abusive and absurd.
Underlying all this is decades of learning and practice in how to interrupt “trauma-brain” and use my mind to help my brain. Those of us with good therapists and good skills are amazing at this.
It doesn’t solve a thing, but it can increase the amount of light we get through the cracks. That’s the point, and it’s an important one.
Dismantling my ongoing PTSD from the inside is one of my favorite jobs. It’s really hard work, but the tools we have now, that we *didn’t* have 20 years ago, are more and more effective. (There’s a reason why psychotherapists have to be Master’s-prepared at least: there’s a lot to know, and even more about how to apply all that to different people.)
I love these days where I turn around and realize there were a couple of really powerful tools right there all the time. Knowing that my narrative curiosity is even stronger than my primal screaming is a heck of a thing!