I’m a writer; I think in terms of story. I assumed I’d have some definite third stage of recovery from that breakup, but no, just more process.
Not just the emotional work of disentangling two mingled lives and learning how to be in the same room and hold a practical conversation in civilized tones, and not give in either to the huge love or the awful rage.
There’s the special spoonie stuff, brought to me by CRPS/fibromyalgia/dysautonomia/Hashimoto’s disease. Learning how to get everything done every hour of every day of every week, with little help, no encouragement, no prompting or reminding that I don’t think to set up myself on that increasingly irritating & necessary phone, no underlying love to smooth the steps out or to rest in the soothing of, between efforts. With winter coming on, there is SO much to do. He has come over a couple of times to help with that. How do I say thank you without weeping?
I noticed when we first met, before we were ever lovers, that my pain and brain fog dropped when he was within about 16 feet of me. Once we were partnered, that symptom-suppression held pretty much all the time.
So now, I’m doing all this with an additional physical burden of pain and, dear heavens, so much brain fog.
It’s a process. It’s a two-steps-forward-one-step-back process… and, frankly, those are pretty boring to read about.
So yeah, it sucks. And I don’t get to stop working on it. Spoonies rarely get breaks, and never get vacation time, from being sick.
I got a cat. She’s just over a year old, and came to me not knowing how to eat. (The irony is so thick you could cut it with a knife.) The first couple days, her hip bones kept getting sharper. A mini dog came over and showed her how it’s done. That was the first big bump forward. Her hip bones are marginally less sharp now.
She’s beginning to learn that that “I waaaaant!” feeling means she’s hungry. I don’t know how she lost track of that instinctive message, but she would sidle up to her bowl and then skitter away with a little flash of anxiety.
Drama is emotionally seductive and magnetic, especially to the young. So, that exciting pattern needed interrupting. I took up her food for hours, so there was nothing to sidle up to and skitter away from. At first, I held her bowl down to reassure her, but as she gets more settled and secure, I leave her to it once she gets started, and stay quiet so as not to distract her. I spent the usual cat-lady hours finding food she liked. (She’s definitely my cat: she likes real food, not Friskies.)
She’s quite a beauty — flared cheekbones, cute little nose, huge eyes with heavy liner, a charming overbite. A bit like Geena Davis, but with whiskers instead of dimples.
I’m taking her out with me everywhere. She gets along with everyone, having met eight cats, three dogs, two squirrels, and any number of people, with roughly equal aplomb. She’s turning into a service pet; already, my increasingly sluggish reflexes (which have given me some scares while driving) are slightly less bad. Wand-toys FTW!
Time to get on with wrestling the requirements for another day into a set of hurdles I can probably clear.
Those of you who’ve been, been with, or treated addicts won’t be surprised to know that J’s story changed 3 times in a week, but I didn’t fall for it. He has not tried to come back, did not go to the deadly place, and is taking care of himself rather better than might be expected.
The fact that he’s not imminently in danger is a huge relief, actually. I can handle breakups — I just can’t handle mortality.
I looked back at my previous post and got a huge laugh out of the fact that I opened with one sentence regarding a life-shattering event and went straight into the nerdiest possible fugue about meds, care, and therapies that are affected by it. I’m not sure of the distinction between nerd, dork, and geek, but I’m pretty sure I’m all three, and that’s okay with me. The doc I sent that letter to is the brainiest of those, whichever that may be.
The feelings washing through me are as varied as you might expect. There are some ways I feel freed up — I finally got to rearrange the living room furniture, and it’s a vast improvement. Nobody to get all tense and cranky about moving his sofa location. I look back no the ways I’d just stopped making room for myself because it was easier than arguing. The last year and a half was a downward trend, the last year pretty bumpy, the last few months really rough, and the last few weeks we were together were frankly awful.
That, I don’t miss.
What I miss is that where he was, was home. I’m homeless in one sense, because he’s homeless in the literal sense. (He sure enjoys the camping, though.) I rarely had to scold him for anything because he could hear me yelling at him in my head; he’d give me the same pissy look my cat used to give me when he was scolded, and make the adjustment I wished he’d make, with no more than 5 soft words exchanged. He literally read my freaking mind.
I don’t know what he’ll do when the weather changes. Not my circus now. He’s facing the consequences of his own decisions, and one is that he has fewer, and at this point less attractive, options.
I found a person who knows how to get me signed up for things like help with the dishes and laundry and vacuuming, rides to my medical appointments, and other logisstical needs. The shuddering absence of J has left me with arms so overused and attention so wrung out that I had trouble driving safely home today. I actually missed a turn on a road I’ve taken uncountable times. Not reassuring, that. Fortunately, it was easy to correct.
As I explained to my passenger: I can pay attention to the road and obstacles around me, and I can control the vehcile I’m driving, and do both confidently; the rest, like where to turn, is a bit iffy.
The physical consequences crash on, no matter how calm I can keep my mind most of the time. The tearing, strengthless feelings in my hand tendons is pretty scary. My ashtma is acting up, a consstant background pull. I guess I’d better raise my antihistamine dosage, and make an appointment with my rheumatologist to look into that.
The emotions ebb and flow: bouts of anger, so seductive but I refuse to cling to them … I let them roll through and roll away; irritation; lovely memories; wry humor; noticing things he’d like; gaping wounds of loss; grief; the endless wordless cry of a mature heart that’s broken, like a descant that never stops. I let them roll through. I’m an old hand at loss. The trick is not to hide from them, and not to cling to them. Look at them, one by one or five by five as they come, and see them for what they are. Then let them go. Not easy, but so worth it.
Task focused is good. I have things on my schedule and things I have to do. I pay attention to the next task. It really helps. It’s okay to stay out of emotional space, something I didn’t used to know. It’s absolutely okay not to go prodding that open wound. I can work around it.
I was cooking up a frozen Indian dinner on the stove, anything further being beyond me and microwave dinners being disgusting to me (except rice-pasta mac and cheese, for some reason.) I sat there, stirring it gently, and taking a step back to look at the whole picture.
Aspects of my life are better. There’s no arguing, for one thing. I’m seeing my friends more.
Aspects of my life are harder. I have more creative impulses but less ability to do anything with them. The logistics of getting through the week are awful.
On the whole, my life is definitely worse without J in it. His jobs can be done by others, but the whole blooming warmth and joy and peace that he brought with him, until he gave into the “stinkin’ thinkin'” of addictive-mind, is gone, except in memory.
Having said that — having looked squarely at that — I let it go.
I remember the time I decided to give up on repeating my mistakes. It was at my first nursing job, on the HIV unit. I realized, imperfect person in a tough high-stakes job that I was, that I was probably going to make mistakes. I made an agreement with myself not to repeat them, but to pay attention and learn, and when I screwed up, to figure out how to avoid doing that particular thing again.
I waited too long for him to do what he needed to do to get better. He’s not going to do that unless and until he decides, and — here’s the not repeating mistakes part — he has no place here unless and until he has well begun that arduous journey.
We have to try some fairly startling chemistry in order to find the right support for our weird and wacky systems. It’s not a joke — but it can be a circus.
Years of nursing — in home care, acute care, HIV care, emergency care, all sorts of things — and, of course, the independent study I wound up doing along the way — most of the time, having no health insurance of my own, because being full-time at one facility was intolerable so I spliced together several part-time jobs in order to keep my mind working — where was I?
Oh right — getting safely off of problematic medications, which I’ll call “detox” for short. We usually think of hard drugs or alcohol when we say that, but the underlying mechanisms and the affected structures are the same. Logically, it works.
I could bore you to tears about the metabolic work of detoxing, but I won’t. I’ll drop in a brain-dump I just did for someone who has had to come off of Lyrica, the most fashionable med for CRPS right now (look here for the background on its fame), and — like many! — has not been able to recover former thinking, memory, and personality. Hopefully, it will return in time. In the meantime, helping the body clear out the last of the med, thus reducing the background strain, could help.
One thought before proceeding … it’s old news now (at least from 2009, Çagla Eroglu et al.) that Lyrica kills new synapses. In other words, if you get that blank, stupid feeling when taking Lyrica or Neurontin, it’s not imaginary.
This class of meds actually works by slowing down the rate of “excitement”, or activity, across the synapse. It does so in a way that prevents further synapse formation. Normally, new synapses keep forming throughout life. Making use of that fact is the best way to battle age-related brain diseases as well as chronic pain.
There is a ton of dense “science-speak” surrounding the fact that the very thing that makes it work short-term or for occasional use, is the very thing that makes it problematic for chronic and long-term use. That’s a complex issue. The precise nature of this activity has only become apparent over time, and medical science hasn’t really figured out what to do about it yet. Meanwhile, buyer beware.
This is going to take a few more years to shake out. In the meantime, keep a diary of what works and what doesn’t, and how goofy you seem to be. Note where your meds change. Look for relationships. Talk to your pharmacist and your doctor. Keep them in the loop, even if you — or they — don’t always agree.
We and our care teams need to work together, and as the patients, the burden of managing that falls on us.
Don’t overthink that — if it’s working for you and you don’t notice the deficit, then think carefully before switching. It’s not that those who do well on it should change, it’s simply that such a med does not belong on the first line of treatment, but in the second or even third. Less synapse death is better, usually!
The point of putting gabapentin/pregabalin in the second or third line of treatment is that, if the other stuff doesn’t work, then those who need Lyrica will still get to it, after trying the meds that’re less likely to be problematic.
Anyway, here’s the brain-dump on detoxing from almost any med, with some special notes about this tricky class.
BTW, this works for narcotics too. In that case, be especially diligent about easing slowly onto the liver-cleansing stuff, because you don’t want to clear your opioid receptors too fast for your body to cope with. “Easy does it.”
If you’re interested in suggestions, I sure do have some. I had to get off Neurontin, Effexor, and a few other heavy-duty nuisances, and I used to be a nurse and helped an awful lot of other people deal with this…
If you’re not interested, I understand, I don’t mind, and please just ignore the rest of this 🙂
[I left that in because it’s important to realize that not everyone on a support group wants advice — some just want to vent.]
Normally, going off of one major med is part of a larger task of re-adjusting the whole medication picture. There are 3 important elements to this process:
Clearing out the old med
Trying something different
Firstly, of course, lots of hydration (yes, the bathroom trips are work, but your blood, lymph, and skin do need the fluid to clear things out, and your brain and spine need more water to rest upon when they’re suffering.)
So, as you reach for your water, here is the rest of my riff on detoxing from meds.
Clearing out the old med:
The point is to clear the old stuff out of your system. This means supporting your body’s “housekeeping department” — liver, kidneys, blood, lymphatic system, skin.
SInce gabapentin dissolves itself readily in fat, it hangs out in your system. (Every cell wall and every bit of white matter in your body uses fat. It’s not optional.)
Your kidneys take the burden; your liver doesn’t seem to do much to it, as most of the drug is excreted unchnged. That doesn’t mean your liver doesn’t have to deal with it as it passes through, though. (Fat-soluble drug in a high-fat organ.)
These are both blood-rich organs, so that’s why the artichoke and dandelion (root in tea, or leaf in salad) can be useful — they support the liver’s detox work. Also, milk thistle seed (silymarin) is in the same category as artichoke. I’ve always used whole seed and ground it fresh, as thats cheap (except for being hard on the coffee-grinder) and works gerat with no side effects, but extracts and preparations are available too.
Any one of these (artichoke, dandelion root, dandelion leaf, milk thistle seed, silymarin) is fine. Whatever works for you.
Check with your pharmacist!
Check with your pharmacist before adding this stuff to your day. There are meds which these cleaner-uppers can interact with by cleaning up the liver. For instance, if you’re on chemo, save this for after you’ve finished the chemo and are rebuilding yourself.
A good pharmacist knows this, and can check scientifically-developed references for more info.
The other aspect of clearing the med out of your system is supporting the “mopping-up” part of the housekeeping team — your blood and lymphatic systems. Green tea, echinacea (mix it with lemon & honey to make it tolerable), melon (fruit or juice), and citrus are all good for this. If you can find citric acid from fruit rather than corn, that can do a good job too. (There’s something odd about the corn-based citric acid — it tends to trigger indigestion and gastritis in the vulnerable much more than the fruit-based citric acid does.)
Any of these (green tea, echinacea, lemon, lime, melon, citric acid) are good, not only for helping get more water into you, but for helping your lymph and blood to “scrub between the cracks” and pull the rubbish out from your cells and clear it away.
Lymphatic support: start gently
Start slowly and work up, because you don’t want too much backlog clearing out at once. If you start at a high dose of green tea or echniacea, you can wind up with swollen lymph nodes, because your body can detox faster than your lymph and blood can wash it away. Give it a chance and work up gradually to a therapeutic dose.
Start at one cup of green tea or echinacea a day, and work up to 3 times that. See how you do and let your body adjust for a few days or a week. Then go up to 4 times that original dose. Give this a month or six weeks (your call) and taper off again if you want to.
Drink up 🙂
For lemon or lime water, melon and melon juice, and of course seltzer, you can drink as much as you like, as long as the citrus is well-diluted and doesn’t give you any trouble.
Citric acid and lemon or lime are best used with plenty of water. Using an intense concentration can irritate the stomach. (These also help prevent kidney stones, btw.)
Just like the artichoke/dandelion/milk thistle seed — check echinacea and citric acid with your pharmacist before using them.
If it’s okay to use echinacea with your other meds, then remember to either go off it after 6-8 weeks total, or, if you find you need to stay on it to keep the channels flowing, then remember to take a week off every month. Your body needs a break in order to keep responding to it. Echincacea is not for ongoing use unless you’re being followed by a good herbalist who’s comfortable with your complexity. (If getting the Lyrica out of your system is the only thing you need it for, then one round like this should do.)
Or you could just…
As I look back over this incredible screed, the simplest thing might be to find a nice herbal “detox tea” and start with one a day, go up to 4 a day, and leave all these details to the nerds!
I hope you can get clear of the Lyrica and find the right pharmaceutical/dietary/physical/mental support for you.
Shifting to a different med for neuro pain:
The mixed-SNRI class of new meds has had the best statistical results of anything so far tried, according to the first few years of studies. Mine saved my life (Savella) — it helped that I had a fibromyalgia diagnosis, and Savella was developed and tested on fibro, so insurance would cover it. It cuts my fibro pain by 90% but it also cuts the CRPS pain by almost as much.
All of the so-called “anti-depressant” classes have been found to be statistically useful in treating neuro pain. Why? Because what they really do is stabilize the messenger molecules.
The most profitable market for this is depression, but our central pain means that stabilizing the messenger molecules of neurogenic pain (regardless of emotional pain) means that we hurt less and function better.
Tricyclics (also good for sleep) and some SSRIs have had results that, statistically, are about as good as Lyrica. The real breakout med for long-term neuro stabilization for pain and dysautonomia is the new mixed-SNRI category, though.
There are also meds in other categories, such as bisphosphonates (again, take care of your liver and kidneys) and a class of heart meds called statins. Low-dose naltrexone and ketamine infusions are other options from the anesthesiology side. They usually require qualified specialty care to try, especially the ketamine.
If pain is localized (say, to a foot or a shoulder), then topical treatments can be terrific. Voltaren and Lidocaine patches are a great help to many. Compounding pharmacies can make up special concoctions tailored to your specific needs, containing any of the meds mentioned in the last few paragraphs.
I’ve used the word “statistically” a lot here. That’s because scientific method only tells us what the general trend for a group of people is. Statistics mean nothing in the case of the individual. What matters in the clinical setting — that is, what matters in the lives of individual patients — IS the individual. Therefore, the medical science is only a guideline, telling doctors what to start with and where to go from there.
We are all guinea pigs, because the subtle and comprehensive nature of the nervous system, and the way longstanding CRPS and other central pain diseases disrupt it, means that the only way we’ll know what works for us is to try things and see.
Your doc should take a deep breath, take a good look at your whole picture, and work with you to figure out what works for you.
Please be clear that THERE IS A WAY FORWARD. I’m certain of that. It’s just a question of finding the right way for you.
Best wishes and I hope you get a good solution soon!
As I’ve said before, much of brain-retraining has to do with speaking to the primitive parts of the brain in ways it can’t ignore.
Being overwhelmed is very common these days. So, this tool is helpful for far more than just my fellow painiacs. I originally laid this out for someone else dealing with very different issues, and realized as I did so that it was a darn good tool and I’d have to remember it for myself. It has already been a help to me, so I hope it helps others as well.
The State of Overwhelm
I can tell when I’m in the state of Overwhelm because life is just a big old mess of decisions and problems and unresolved issues which are so toweringly massive they stop making sense. My usual ability to sort and prioritize and manage information freezes up, and my brain skids off into the ditch.
Once I’m in Overwhelm, it’s unreasonable to try to reason my way out of it in my usual way. Each thought is blocked by half a dozen issues backed up against it.
I’ve got to simplify. Not just that, but I need to SUPER-simplify — break it down into binary questions — that is, questions with only one of two possible answers. It’s the only way I can start managing the pile.
(What follows is a technique used in several disciplines. I’m avoiding jargon and simply using the words I use in conversation.)
The roadmap out of Overwhelm
When I was rebuilding my credit, the first thing to do was to figure out what I really owed, and what someone else was supposed to pay. This is a good template for dealing with Overwhelm.
First, whose job is it, really?
When I get overwhelmed, it’s hard to tell what’s my responsibility and what’s really someone else’s. It feels like this:
All the jobs are kind of muddled around in the space and there are too many jobs and not enough space.
When I draw a mental barrier between the two, things suddenly start to clear up:
Notice that, at this point, I don’t need to know who the “someone else” is; the first step is to be clear about whether it’s my job or not.
Managing my care?
Ordering tests and prescribing meds?
Testing those meds on my system, tracking their benefits and drawbacks, and updating the prescriber?
Keeping the dishes clean?
Keeping the outside steps de-iced?
(It’s my one outdoor job, and my partner does everything that I can’t and a lot that I shouldn’t, so I bundle up and take care of the steps without a whimper.)
Second, is it something volunteers can do or is it a professional job?
This is an important distinction.
When in doubt, upgrade.
Take care not to abuse the skills of your volunteers. You may know lawyers, counselors, accountants, and so forth, but that doesn’t make it right to ask for free professional services from them, except under unusual circumstances.
If those who help me out aren’t being paid (either by an agency/employer or by me), then they’re a volunteer, regardless of the skills they have.
I tread as lightly as I can on my volunteers. It’s an important long-term goal not to alienate them, but to keep them comfortable with me and happy to stick around.
The corollary is, I have high standards for my professionals, and hold them to those standards with all the clarity-with-courtesy I can manage. I have no hesitation about firing someone who consistently fails to measure up.
I put a lot of legwork into choosing my doctors. Here’s an overview of the process and links I used a few years ago: How I find my doctors
It’s certainly worth the time and effort to find good people who can do justice to your life and your needs. The question is whether you can find the slack. I hope so.
Fix the heater?
Put us up for a night until it’s fixed?
Give hugs, tea, and sympathy when I’m recently bereaved?
Train me in how to get my brain to reprocess deep pain (and the staggering scope of loss associated with it) without short-circuiting?
This is definitely not for volunteers; too much knowledge about neuropsych and too much investment of time is required.
Professional level brain & mind care
For some things, talking to a friend, doing something strenuous, or meditating a lot, is enough to allow a person to heal heart and mind. Life itself is generally a good therapist.
Some things are too complex, too deep, or too dangerous for amateurs. Despite our longstanding social taboos, people with recurring trauma (like central pain or abusive relationships) or PTSD (like survivors of war or child abuse or those who’ve been through worker’s compensation or disability applications on top of a devastating condition) are right and smart to get highly-qualified care for resolving the damage that these things do to our minds and our brains. The damage is not imaginary, and sheer force of will is not a great tool for healing it.
It CAN be healed, even the worst of it. It does NOT require chewing over the past; in fact, that’s often avoided in modern trauma counseling, because that can do to the PTSD brain roughly what our recurring pain does to CRPS brains.
Some techniques DO re-map and re-train the brain to make room for more stability, more healthiness, and move even a CRPS’d brain closer to a normal state.
Less pain! More joy! Less instability! More abilities 🙂
Some keywords for finding relevant mental health professionals: trauma-informed, PTSD, pain psychology. These are jargon terms that usually indicate the professional understands how these profound experiences affect our brains, and how that can be rewound or reworked to a better state.
Another thing you can do
It helps to vote for legislators who see the value in health care, including mental health care. Conservative estimates say that each $1 spent on care saves between $10 and $100 in downstream costs (ER visits, health costs, police activity, lost productivity, lost wages, family impact, etc.) Middle-of-the-road estimates place the savings much higher.
Something to think about, in times like these.
Find your legislators here and let them know what you think:
In the US, here’s where you find national, state, and local legislator info: www.usa.gov
To cut a long story short, I wound up with insufficient medication before my next pain doc appointment, and had to cobble together my full dose by using 3 smaller-dose tablets. Periodically over the last month, I’ve been peering quizzically into my bottle and wondering if all those little pills were going to last long enough.
Late last week, I finally had few enough that I could count them. (Due to perceptual issues, looking at a lot of little identical objects makes my eyes swivel, and I can’t keep track of them, even if I pull them out a few at a time. They appear to dance and swim without any help.)
Well, I had a problem. I couldn’t parse what to do about it because I didn’t know who to ask. My pain doc had been a bit more high-handed than usual at my last appointment, so I didn’t expect sympathy there, especially as it implied his math was wrong. I knew my GP would feel understandably uncomfortable prescribing a med he didn’t know well and didn’t normally use, which was normally prescribed by a high-flying specialist in a narrow discipline. That’s a lousy position to put a GP in.
So, regardless of the record heat and shocking floods elsewhere, New England has been cooler than usual, perpetually cloudy, with the Spring rain pattern (3 days and nights of constant rain, one and a half days of sun, a day or two of mostly clouds, 3 days and nights of constant rain, rinse and repeat.) This does tie in — really.
The reason it ties in is because summer gives me my recovery time, which involves sun and warmth and outdoor activity. 3 months of sun, warmth, and outdoor activity is what makes me strong enough to endure a New England winter.
It was so gloomy and chilly this summer, we dug up the money to go to California to recharge our bodies’ batteries. That didn’t go according to plan at all. As some of you know, I had viral meningitis from the day after we landed to 2 days before we left.
So, not much recovery, just a whole heaping helping of extra damage to recover from!
Then, of course, I had a relapse 10 days later, just in case I was getting too perky.
This summer has left me with a brain that’s just not up to par. So, rather than doing my usual thing of targeting the issue and parsing its components and figuring out what solution solves most of the elements, I … froze.
I started cutting the third of the 3 little pills in half, and taking two and a half, so I could buy a little time to think. Since that works out to my normal summertime dose, I didn’t question it much. It occurred to me, just as I’m writing this, that it has really crippled my ability to think, so that was not my usual problem-solving level of skill. Sigh.
I honestly can’t remember how I wound up on the phone with my doctor’s office on Friday. Wait, after 5 minutes’ cogitation, I do: I hadn’t heard from referrals my primary doc was supposed to have written 2 weeks before. Usually right on top of things, he had documented that he intended to make the referrals, but forgotten to enter the orders to do so.
The compassionate office lady asked how I was, and it wasn’t until then that I said, “Actually, I’m kind of in a bind,” and explained about the meds. To my complete lack of surprise, given how things have been going, it turns out my primary doc is on vacation this coming week. She left a note for whoever’s covering for him.
Since then, of course, I’ve been trying to work out whether I should call during the weekend, when coverage is even weirder and less accountable, or wait until Tuesday and the first day of business this week, and try to coherently answer the question of why I didn’t call sooner, and hope and plead to get my meds from someone who doesn’t know me and is working too hard to feel for one more sad case.
So … I’m froze.
Meanwhile, my feelings and my disease-driven propensity to worry paralyzingly, are all honed to a ridiculous edge. Once my pills get past the cannon-ball feeling in my stomach (almost past the half hour mark; 15 minutes to go) I’m going to do an hour of meditation, which I expect to roughly track the pattern of the meditation I did during the meningitis episode: 20 minutes of pure inward flail, breathing quietly while my mind and emotions just went off like a carton of firecrackers spilled on a brush fire; then, once that calmed down, my thoughts chased each other like frantic squirrels for another 20, not slowing appreciably until the last 2 or 3 minutes; then 10 minutes of one or two issues or ideas holding fairly still, allowing me to turn it over until it’s transformed into something peaceful by the pure attention; and then the rest, finally, gradually, moving into a pure and floating calm.
They say that one should meditate for an hour every day. If you don’t have the time for that, make it two hours. I hold this as a constant goal. Sadly for me, I can normally only push myself to sit down and shut up like that when things are so bad all I can think to do otherwise is scream.
I need to work on that.
This was going to be the year I learned to meditate and do t’ai chi pretty much daily, no matter what level of peace and calm there was in my life. I’m embarrassed that, even at my age, I still seem to need some chaos to let me bring enough pressure to bear on myself that I’ll do these key self-care activities at all.
Something to mull over in the contemplation stage of some meditation!
With the kind consent of the friend mentioned, I post the following exercise in “radical presence”, or staying sane in spite of the craziness…
Bubbles of thoughts are rising through the viscidity of my mind, drifting from side to side, now tending one way, now tending another.
Feels like a relapse of that FUO (Fever of Unkown Origin, although there’re more vulgar interpretations of that acronym too) that looked and acted like viral meningitis. This time, I have a thermometer so there’s something I can document. It’s less than a few weeks after the first case, so this is not good.
So far, though, no vomiting!
While recovering (barely) from the first bout of this, I met with one of my excellent friends, the one who’s going to make decisions for me if I can’t make them myself. We first met during one of the most effective times in my life.
She spent much of the recent visit picking up after me, getting the tea I forgot, making sure everyone got fed — the ideal hostess, really. Too bad that was my job. I was a good small-party hostess at one time.
For obvious reasons, given her impending status as my health care proxy, I need her to be able to tell me how I’m really doing. There was a time when full anesthesia and industrial forceps were required to make anything that wasn’t kindly and flattering come out of her. She’d almost rather lose a limb than lose her manners.
So, testing the waters, I asked if she found me a bit daffier and more disorganized than I used to be.
I’m so proud of her. She gave me a somewhat verbose “kind of” … then gave me an eyeball-to-eyeball gaze of love and torture, which I’m pretty sure meant, “It shreds my being to see you like this, but somehow I have to breathe and keep going, and I promise you I will, no matter how hard.”
Such a friend can’t be described, only experienced if you’re insanely lucky.
I rarely look back. There’s no future in it. However, the memories I usually keep firmly in the rear-view mirror haunted me for days, as bright as if they were klieg-lit.
Teaching her to run effectively under the redwoods. She was a quick study, all right. I was getting sick, so the fact that she could lap me in less than a year is probably not something I should feel too bad about.
Trying very hard to talk her out of medical school, which I was pretty sure would embitter her extraordinary sweetness and distort her self-effacing diligence. In the end, it gave her mind and heart a stronger shape.
Researching and working together on user interface guidelines, which made most senior engineers effectively beg our blessing on their designs — as they should!
What it was like to ask my quiet, courteous friend a music question, and have her snap upright, point snappily to a chair, and snap, “Sit.” Then give lively, passionate, 20- to 40-minute illustrated lectures on music theory that enrich my life even now. (I did much the same thing for her health questions.)
On a related but more self-oriented tangent, remembering what it was like to keep over 230 threads of information going simultaneously in my head, switching threads from meeting to meeting and file to file. I tracked the early course of this disease by when the number of thought-threads went down. I was “laid off” when I could only maintain about 90 different threads in active memory. I was crushed by that figure.
Remembering what it was like to run through the redwood glen at dawn, the scenery and birds staging a daily spectacular just for me.
The last walk I took on the mountain tops, when every bit of exercise just made things worse, but I had to say goodbye to the wild open spaces.
The curling breezes change direction again.
The wasps are too quiet. I turn my head to follow them and warn them away, and the world seems to slip off its stand then right itself again, and the quiet singing in my ears rises to a sharp chord then slithers down again.
Having a frying brain is like living in a hallucination at times.
This post is a little diaristic, but it serves a purpose beyond easing the pressure in my head. You’ll see.
The hundreds of little mercies that keep me going cluster around. The air here is delicious. The trees are fluffing their leaves in the curling breezes. J is quietly rattling around inside, scared in his ignorance of my illness and memories of losses, but keeping a good face on and making sure that I hydrate. The birds are mulling the possibility of rain, but it will hold off a few hours. The sun strokes my head with a long hand.
I breathe, and the world settles down.
A few days ago, I had a wonderful insight about the way that many bits of my past are getting referenced in the present somehow, and how, rather than highlighting my staggering losses, they fit together in a way that draws me onward.
That’s all I can remember, though. I think most of the ideas poured out of me last night as I sweated with the fever I forgot to document.
Drifting first one way, then another.
Must remember to inhale when getting up. It’s the only way to keep my head from wanting to explode, and clutching it doesn’t really help.
Normally, a good idea like the past-reaching-forward-and-propelling-the-present would come back to me with sufficient prompts. Not the way things work anymore. Once it’s gone, that’s it, it’s gone. I’ve learned that the hard way, over years and years.
However, do I need to remember the examples and details? Or do I just need to remember that feeling of a rising tide lifting my weary, worried ass?
Just because I don’t understand how it all fits together, does it stop being real?
Medicine is real, neurology is real, and I defy absolutely anyone to say, hand over heart, that they really, REALLY understand those. Yet, they are real just the same.
I’ll allow myself to be carried onward by the memory of the idea, even if I can’t remember why it made sense.
For now, it’s time for more lie-down and seltzer.
Small moves. Just like steering a sailboat. Small moves get you where you need to go, without steering wrong. Now, seltzer. Later, rest. Then, we shall see.
I’m doing a sort of elimination testing to refine what nuts and seeds, under what conditions, cause the troubles I howled about last week. It’s possible there might be a way I could keep some in my diet; we shall see. More on my guts later.
I want to share how I make nut milk, quick before I forget.
It can be delicious, nutritious, and beautiful.
I’ve found it to meet all 3 criteria only when homemade. Fortunately, it’s very easy to do, and very easy to space the 1- to 5-minute tasks so I can do it in little bursts.
I was taught how to make this by the chief cook and supervisory bottle-washer aboard S/V The Excellent Adventure. I owe her and her family a deep bow, because not only did I learn to make nut milk, but I got to experiment (look under “Variations”) with a boatful of beta-tasters.
I wrote up the basic recipe and my favorite variations this afternoon, for some relatives of Cougar’s. I turned it into a PDF so I could share it online without facing the horrors of Word conversion and wandering images.
As many of you know, nuts are fantastic nerve/pain food. The healthy oils calm the pain and inflammation, the abundance of minerals smooth out neurotransmission and cellular house-keeping (which is a very important thing), and the protein and fiber are digestible and body-friendly. (Unless you’re allergic.)
I’m beginning to think it’s the rancidity and mold I’m reacting to. More on that later.
Anyway, back to nut milk. It’s very easy to make, tastes fresh and clean and delightful, easy to make creamy if you like that thicker texture, and — in case I haven’t said so already — it’s ridiculously easy to make.
While I was mulling the constancy of nausea and yuckiness, looking for a reason more useful than “it’s winter”, I realized I had relentless cascades of post-nasal drip.
The stomach isn’t too fond of relentless cascades of post-nasal drip, because the glucoprotein complex generically called “mucus”, which we usually call “snot”, is not that easy to digest. It’s not really meant to be digested; it’s meant to do its job (picking up and trapping obnoxious particles or germs or what-have-you) and then get blown out. It’s not supposed to roll into the tummy in a never-ending stream.
I was reading up on GI issues (as one does) and stumbled across a piece which said something like, “Stay away from nuts and seeds entirely. The oil is rancid by the time it gets to you and that rancidity is poison to the systems of people who have leaky guts and sensitized systems. You can usually tell because the immune reaction affects your sinuses and causes lots of extra mucus.” If you’re curious, this article was about the GAPS diet and explained the whats and whys.
I threw my hands up in exasperation and disgust. I relied on nut and seed butters to start my day, because they cut the morning pain down to a quite bearable level and gave me a bit of protein that didn’t bring my stomach up in revolt. My mornings are tough enough and this info just pissed me off.
The next morning, I woke up noticing that I didn’t have post-nasal drip. Nice. Then I started on my morning breakfast of apple (malic acid helps the pain ease off too) and sunflower or almond butter (I forget which.)
Two bites…. then a relentless cascade of post-nasal drip.
My first thoughts were mostly expletives. Totally unprintable in a family-friendly blog.
I went off the rails a bit. I’ve been dealing with this disease complex for nigh on 15 years now and I have evolved a pretty limited (and not cheap) diet to manage it. Rather than thinking, “Oh great, a good clue as to what I can do to improve things!” I mentally roared, “WHAT THE BLEEDING HECK CAN I EAT ANYWAY????”
– Genetically-determined mild allergy to white beans. That means soy, chick peas (which wipes out hummus and much Indian food), most multi-bean soups and salads.
– Roaring neurologic gluten response, which in my case spills over into related molecules. This means: no wheat, barley, triticale, rye, oats — in fact, most grains; nor fresh milk, soft cheese, dairy ice cream; and eggs only in strict moderation.
– Hashimoto’s disease means my body is chewing up my thyroid. This means definitely no soy, but also, no broccoli, chard, kale, bok choy, cauliflower — no cabbage/brassicas of any kind — and that’s an awful lot of vegetables not to have as an option, including most winter veg. And yet, I need lots of vegetables and happen to like all of those. Even in small amounts, brassicas can squash thyroid response. It’s very sad.
– Candida/c.diff overgrowth, which means no sugars (not even unrefined honey or maple syrup, not even low-glycemic stuff like agave [which makes me cramp] or maltose), no rice, minimal fruit, no juice, no root starch (too high in sugars) or white starch of any kind (if I’m doing this diligently) which wipes out the potato family and remaining grains except amaranth (I can’t digest quinoa at all, so it’s not even an option.) Then there are the limitations that are less obvious, which means, no tea or coffee, no vinegar or cultured food (if I followed that parameter, I’d be unable to digest anything and my guts would be even worse), no artificial anything because they tend to be grown on yeast or malt slurries (which is fine because packaged foods tend to happen to other people, not me.)
– The constant immune-y fuss means I should probably be more diligent about the inflammatory culprits: tomatos, eggplant, potatos, peppers, the whole belladonna group. I LOVE those things. Also, no canned foods, because the trace amounts of preservative stuff are so neurotoxic that molecules matter to my body, and homemade canned stuff can still grow trace amounts of the fungusy-yeasty stuff that boots me back into candida territory.
– Now, no nuts or seeds. At all. Possibly no cooking oil. I was diligent about getting the freshest and checking best-by dates and inspecting the packaging, for the candida reason. Not enough any more. No nuts or seeds at all.
I think i’m down to squashes, lettuce, and incredibly expensive pastured/wild flesh foods. Oh, and grassfed (Kerrygold) butter. I can put that on the squash, I guess.
To be frank, I haven’t been very diligent about eliminating the root veg and I’ve had some broccoli and cauli lately, because it’s freaking winter and I’ve needed to eat something that’s available.
Since reading about the nuts/seeds thing, I totally fell off the rails. No gluten, because I’d rather die than go through all that again, but I’ve gone to town on sweets, rice, vinegar, ice cream, root veg, brassicas, belladonnas — everything but nuts and seeds.
Paying the price for it, too… as one does.
Two nights ago, I made myself a new bedtime meditation recording, designed to rebuild my own mental core. I’ve just about had it with trying to cope with the world (if you have one eye on US politics, you’ll understand that well enough, especially if you have friends and family who are losing care due to political brangling, losing property due to corporate gamesmanship, or losing their liberty due to being not-White); add to that some family crises of illness and a bereavement in the extended family, and… yeah.) I’ve reached March feeling absolutely shredded inside.
And then…. NUTS!
Lately and increasingly, my brain was really resisting the relaxation response training — which is very odd for me — and I was having nightmares and waking up 5 times a night. I thought that, if I backed off the calming exercises and instead re-integrated my core self, that would make more sense than trying to pretend everything’s all right for half an hour. I have no idea what that looks like for other people, but I have a pretty good idea what it looks like for me. So, I made a recording with a series of mental/imaginative exercises that boil down to my individualized psychological structural support.
The chaos and rage are abating, which is just as well, because I have a follow-up appointment with my pain specialist tomorrow. I’m calming myself down with this article before turning my fragile attention to encapsulating the physical fallout and revelations of this winter in a coherent patient update.
I get to tell him that I’m seeing the GI specialist later this week, and that I have tested marginally positive in a screening test for mold toxicity, so more blood tests are coming from my allergist. That would actually explain a lot, but I’m not sure where he stands on the subject. Mold toxicity, as a driver of illness, is one of those things where the physician’s belief-state has more bearing on care than the coherent, consistent, verifiable facts of the patient’s disease-state — in that respect, it’s like chronic fatigue, neurogenic pain, and most immune disorders. Familiar territory to many of us.
A few days ago, I apologized to J for being such a piece of work lately. I told him I’ve been ill and in more pain than usual. He said, with the kindest intentions, “Well, it’s hard to act right when you’re sick. You have to feel good.”
I said, “I never get to feel good. It’s just different levels of –” (waved my arm expressively.) “I usually do a pretty good job of managing myself anyway.” He agreed, bless him.
That first phrase, “I never get to feel good,” has been preying on my mind. But then, it’s winter. This will pass, and I’ll find it easier to put my focus where it belongs — on what I CAN do, CAN eat, CAN feel, that’s not so — (wave my arm expressively.)
Until then, I’ll keep breathing, keep making my appointments, keep tending my relationships as well as possible, keep up on my documentation, keep on keeping on. As one does.
Fortunately for all of us, the blogger at Elle and the Autognome has done a good job of laying out the basics and providing a starting-point for figuring out how to manage it in individual cases — because we’re all different, and we have to figure out what works in our particular bodies. So, rather than waiting for me to get it together on this topic, I’m going to punt to her.
* For the record, “central nervous system sensitization” is a collective term for the diseases characterized by CNS up-regulation of essential neural signals, notably pain but also a whole garbage-can of signaling misbehavior that goes with that. These diseases include CRPS, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, multiple sclerosis, lupus. chronic Lyme, and so on.
“Never give up. Never surrender.”
Leonidas of Sparta, Jael the wife of Heber, Alexander the Great, Queen Boudicca, Mary Magdalen, the Prophet Mohammed, Hildegaard of Bingen, Vlad the Impaler, Queen Isabel of Spain, Geronimo, Copernicus, Marie Curie, Winston Churchill, Aung Suun Kyi, Terry Pratchett, the 14th and Final Dalai Lama…
Rest and retreat, yes.
Pause for thought, please (unlike some of those listed above.)
Knowing when to acquire a sense of proportion, ideally (again, unlike some of those listed above.)
But… don’t give up. Don’t give your rightful self away.
It’s always been easy for me to be determined, but not easy to pick the right things to be determined about.
In my 20’s, I wanted to save the world.
In my 30’s, I was willing to work only on that part of it that wanted my saving.
In most of my 40’s, I was dying — sometimes by inches, sometimes by yards — and couldn’t quite save myself.
I’m 50; what a relief!
Given that trajectory, it’s no wonder that my priorities have shifted a little.
I figure that, as long as I have working pulse and respirations, I’ve got a job to do. (I suspect everyone does, but I could be wrong.) My particular job is to re-possess my physical self, and, given enough slack, help others to re-possess theirs.
Our bodies are not just machines, despite the inherent dis-inheritance proposed by Descartes (considering the body a separate entity from awareness), and the even more extreme model funded and fomented by a slightly misguided Hearst (who fell in love with interventionism, and drove the mechanical-problem-to-be-fixed model of medicine over the shifting-dysfunction-to-right-function model of medicine.)
Bodies are the media we experience life through, the means we have to respond with. Despite the relentlessly shallow concerns over appearance the media saturates our lives with, our fundamental experiences of life are not just seen. Life is an all-body experience.
Bodies are marvelously self-aware organisms on an enduring quest to care for and maintain themselves by communicating as effectively as possible within themselves, and responding as usefully as possible at every level — within the cells, between the cells, from cells to organs and back again — with the marvelously alert circuitry of the nervous system and the dazzlingly subtle chemical dance of the endocrine system drawing the whole show together.
That’s a bit more complex than just meat-sacks wrapped in hide.
I’ve been mulling the twined facts that my body is an amazingly tough, brilliantly adaptable organism, and at the same time, is an organism constantly under sieges both subtle and overwhelming. Yet it never stops trying to find a useful set of responses, it never stops signaling and listening.
It never gives up. It has never surrendered.
I admire that.
Just for grits and shins, here are a few other things that I mutter to myself over and over.
C’mon, you can do it.
Motion is lotion.
Use it or lose it.
Change or die.
That’s quite a set, when I look at it laid out like that.
Not all of them are cheerful. Sorry.
They’re all thoroughly grounded in my reality, though, and they all have had something to do with my getting this far. They are hammers and screwdrivers in my mental toolkit of radical presence, pushing back on neuroplasticity, and not settling for what this disease would leave me.
Naturally, I say these things to myself in tones of firm, loving parental authority, since it’s all about re-re-plasticizing my brain, and those are the tones it responds to.
FTR, I’m sincerely glad it responds at all. When I was in nursing school, they told us adult brains were fixed for life. I doubted that from the start, and events eventually caught up with my skepticism. Brain plasticity FTW!