Let me restate that. I’m about to move my simple little life (the whole suitcase) and complex little body (11 bottles of twice-daily pills & supplements, dietary requirements that would make an allergist blench, and let’s not think about the wildly variable pain, confusion or autonomia) into a rather pretty vehicle and make my way across the entire continent (probably in increments of one hour at a time), to meet a bunch of strangers (my inner introvert is screaming), some of whom I’ll try to draw out about some very personal issues (my inner Miss Manners has the fantods), all by myself (at a time of epic mysogyny and rising crime.)
And I still intend to have my Brain Food Shakes and a cup of hot tea, first thing, every morning.
After I had a meltdown on the table today, my craniosacral therapist remarked that it’s like I’m reaching for a trapeze: I’m leaping off of the highest platform and, if I get the trajectory just right, I’ll be fine… but there’s an awful lot of the world that isn’t the trapeze bar, and it’s hard not to be hypnotized by the massive potential for disaster.
But how can I not go?
I won’t get many side trips, but I get to wrap my arms around people I’ve known online for years. We get to talk about what matters most in life: living off the steel core of the spirit, finding integrity in Hell, what it means to love and be loved.
The staggering physical beauty of Turtle Island is mine to explore, only this time on a reasonable schedule and without any cranky, arrogant pyschopaths (other than myself, of course) for company.
If I’m very lucky and very very good, I might stumble into the shape of a cure for this awful disease.
How can I not go? Whatever the outcome — really, whatever the outcome, even if it lands me in a nailed box — there is no way I can hold myself back with so much hope and love on the horizon. I’m a sucker for a challenge anyway, but this… turning my back on it would be unbearable.
Of course it’ll be unimaginably hard. Guess what, I have CRPS and I get up every morning. Everything else is decoration. This can be done.
My toes are leaving the platform and I’m reaching as hard as I can. Somehow, I don’t know how, I will make that bar — and swing it like hell. Because there’s something beyond that, too, and I aim to get there.
It’s impossible to be like this and not realize that I may die falling. But what a way to go, eh? I have every intention of surviving (Mom, take note) but the thing to do with what scares me most is to stare it down.
Keep your eyes on this space… The packing is almost done.